Growth

Reflections on Responsibility

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As I’ve spend time on thinking, reflecting, questioning my life this weekend, I’ve made realizations as well as managed to connect some dots through my life. I am about to hit thirty years of age in September, so this kind of thinking practice has allowed me to finally put some fragments of my experience together and make sense for the next actions.

What I am happy and grateful in my life at the moment is that I am willing to take calculated risks, and I am willing to endure short term pain in order to achieve long term goals. What’s more is my ability to take responsibility of really hard things and deliver results at least over some period of time.

It wasn’t always like this:

  • In 2006 I was about to fail in vocational school, because of depression and attempt to fulfill the void in my life with World of Warcraft.
  • Later on after some intervention and help, in the second half of 2007 I reached so far highest high, took serious responsibility and completed one years’ work in six months.
  • 2008 offered state provided mission and purpose for my life called military service. I crawled to the pipe somewhat motivated, however after two weeks I had lost my internal drive due to meaninglessness and just seek out easiest way to get it done. I had real trouble adjusting after the six months of compulsory military service to the civilian life and depression hit me again.
  • In the first quarter of 2009 I had had my space again and I made the attempt to take responsibility of my life once again. Bit by bit I decided to take full responsibility of my life, first on the agenda was my health and second most important to thing to me was to carry my own weight in the society. By the August 2009 I was well on track both as I had found employment, quit several bad habits and on track to better health.

I find the time about 11 years ago very crucial to turning point in my life. I’ve often mentioned that in April 2009 I started writing journal every day, which has been with me ever since. Now it is inseparable part of me and my life, so since then I’ve been able to keep more closely track on my progress.

From before that the time and memories seem to be ever fading.

I’ve strived and changed because of that. As most important characteristic in that change has been my openness to take on responsibility. As I’ve marched on with that eagerness to take on responsibility, I’ve noticed that many people do avoid that. I was doing good job, until I had taken on too much an my ability to go on began to be burdened.

What felt right, was to create space and to reflect the priorities. I am still in the process of prioritizing and figuring everything out, however one thing I’ve realized: if it’s not hell yes then it is no. Using this simple question, I can find what parts are in fact crucial and what are not.

Reflecting about past failures and successes is kind of soothing experience. Looking eleven years back, I can in the present feel the weight of my decisions upon another 11 years forward.

 

We maybe outcomes of our past,

Time is running out fast,

The pressure to cast the die is vast,

With cunning, we surpass the time at last.

 

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